Recently, I was at a funeral home visiting some folks from our church. As I was walking out, I noticed that in another room a funeral was getting ready to start. It was very small. Only a handful of people were in the room. A pastor friend of mine happened to be doing the funeral, so I asked him about it the next time I saw him. It was for a man in his late 60’s. He told me that the total funeral attendance was, “seven—including the corpse.”
Then he added, “Only three people wanted to be there.” When my friend was trying to understand this man’s life, trying to get a sense of the legacy he was leaving behind, he asked the few who showed up some questions.
What kind of father was he? Silence.
What are some touching stories that you remember? Silence.
What are some words that describe him? Silence.
Do you know if he had any relationship with God? Silence.
What did he care about? Tractors.
That was this man’s legacy. He was a fan of tractors.
What kind of legacy are you leaving behind?
Permanent Link to FAN OF… Comments 13
That’s intense. As a pastor, my father often says he hates doing funerals for people he doesn’t know. He continues to do them because he sees them as an opportunity to share Christ with people who otherwise might never hear it. But he doesn’t enjoy it as much as he should for the same reasons you’ve given here – silence.
How do you describe someone’s life when they lived for nothing important? How do you conduct a funeral when the person’s left no impact on the people around him?
I for one want to make it excruciatingly easy for anyone who conducts my funeral. Here’s what I want them to say: “He served others… because he was thankful.” Now to actually get them to say that, though, requires much more than just telling them to say it. It requires a life that reflects those words in everything.
I know so many I could describe with one passion, like tractors. But unless that passion reaches out and changes people’s lives, it’s meaningless. Legacy begins with others-orientedness.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
Wow. Reading your comments Kyle could have been about my Dad’s funeral. Except for the fact that my Dad died over two years ago and had probably 20-25 people attend his service. None of which really wanted to be there. You see, my dad had six children. When I , the middle child was nine years old my parents divorced and my dad left to start his life over and never really looked back. He was a functional (?) alcoholic and as most do, he drank instead of parent. He married a couple more times and with each “new family” the dysfuntion of his life increased. His kids, however grew up without a relationship with him, became successful in their own rights, and had children of our own and families that we always put first. At the service my brother, asked the priest if he could speak and we all couldn’t help but be concerned. What would he say? Surely not that he was a good father ? Not that he was even a generous man ? Surely not that he was a godly man ? What did he want to talk about ???? But as he began speaking he told of a few early memories of my dad, actually memories that we had completely lost in the years of pain and anger. But then he made his point. My dad’s legacy as my brother called it, was that his six children learned through him what NOT to do, because of the struggles and demons my dad surrended his life to- we vowed to God we would NEVER do these things to our kids and OUR children are testament to that determination and faith. The adult children, the grandchildren and the great grandchildren my dad never knew- are blessed in so many ways because of his suffering and losses. AND he never even knew it. – My legacy and passion is my faith and my family and I already KNOW it !
Kathy, I am so glad I read this today! Thank you so much for sharing your comments and your brothers perspective. As painful as it is to admit, sometimes the negative influences in our lives, are the very ones that shape us positively.
I needed this perspective as I struggle with an unbelieving father. And while the dysfunction in my own family is not as severe, it’s there. My four siblings and I are trying to break the generational curse of divorce in our family. We have to go back to Great Grandparents to find a marriage in tact.
The youngest of my siblings, my sister, is going on 25 years of marriage and my oldest brother is going on 35 years. The rest of us are, 28 years, 31 years and 33 years. So what’s the difference in us? I wish I could say it’s all because we have Jesus in our lives. That’s true for some, not so for others. But we have one thing in common, we saw the good and the bad of relationships modeled for us as kids growing up.
I remember when my parents would fight, I would think to myself, “when I get married some day, I’m not going to act like that”. With Christ’s help I’m not acting like that.
Thanks again Kathy, I needed to see this!
John Hynes
What a powerful story.
John (dad), thanks for your comment. Fortunately, I’m the product of growing up in a household with parents that love and respect eachother, and always put Christ first in their parenting and marriage.
It is possible to break the generational curse. I hope I don’t break mine, you and mom did pretty well with Megan and I.
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As a pastor I have done funerals for fellows like the tractor man. Not a lot of fun! And worse, I’ve had family members disclose things to me that they never wanted to be said at the funeral but they wanted me to know.
I hope that when I die friends, family and others will have a few good things to say about me. But more important I hope God will have a few good things to say, not because I was good, but because He is gracious. And I hope the demons will say “Amen, thank God that guy is gone, he was making so much trouble for us on earth!”
My uncle died recently. I learned of all kinds of things about him I didn’t know. He was a Magistrate, he coached girls ball and changed the lives of many, and he helped poor people. There was barely enough elbow room to get around at his viewing. There was some crying, but alot of laughing too. I cried, some because I would miss him, but mostly because I wished my dad would love if only 1/10 th that much. Is that a sin? I try to reach out to him only to feel rejected. I don’t know my Dad anymore, and he doesn’t want to be known. His eulogy might say that he loved playing on his computer and watching AFV, and he had a great collection of model airplanes.
Please pray for us. Thank You.
Valerie: I don’t know that your Dad ever had the ability to be a loving person but assuming he did… Some men have a fight or flight mentality (I’m a 52 year old male with a 14 year old daughter) What i mean is, your Dad may very well be willing to die for you at a moments notice but the issues he sees aren’t about dying. Could it be issues that happen as your personallity develops? Maybe you dress differently than his generation did at your age, maybe he feels he is having to compete with your friends, maybe even a boyfriend, and he doesn’t know how to compete or maybe he doesn’t even have to compete; It’s only in his mind. Just keep telling your Dad what you are doing, even if he doesn’t answer. Tell him “good bye, I love you” as you leave for school or where ever. And pray for him; I doubt that he wants to be the way he is.
I’ve been wondering a lot about my own life lately. I’ve been thinking about who and what I am. I am amazed at the power of God and how his book can speak to me in some many ways. I have not been able to move away from Acts 19. I’ve pondered and prayed over those words for the last two months.
What kind of life is a person leading when a Demon dosen’t know your name. “But who are you?” As a follwer of Christ I’ve wondered have I been that Christian. Someone content with the world. There have been times in my life when I know I have not picked up my cross. I want my child to be able to answer all of the questions asked when I am gone.
Thank you so much for all the resources on your site.
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Thanks Charles. You’re right, I need to continue to pray for him and everyone else in our disfunctional fam too.. But it is very difficult to show much kindness, especially when he doesn’t want to come around or be very hospitable. He says he wants a relationship with my kids, but it doesn’t seem like he wants one with me. My Dad used to be a loving Dad, I will always remember him sharing his time with me as a child. It seems when my sibs and I hit our teeneage years he got distant and cold, sometimes harsh and abusive. And I see it happening again with my nephew (who recently left my Dad’s home to go live with my Mom) and niece. I don’t think he feels any need to compete, however I do think self-esteem is definitely an issue. But sitting down and trying to have a conversation about feelings and all that stuff would be like sitting down and having a converstation with a rock. I won’t say here what I really think because I’m still forming that opinion, but I definitely think he doesn’t have Jesus, if you know what I mean.